• 1 Carboy. This is a 5-gallon glass container in which the beer ferments. It looks exactly like one of those water cooler jugs you see in offices, where guys usually gather to discuss which secretary has the finest butt. Your carboy may also become a locus for similar intellectual repartee.
  
• 1 large plastic bucket—sort of like a giant spackle bucket. Use of this item may vary, depending on the fermentation process you choose. But you will probably use it as a holding tank of sorts prior to bottling your brew.
  
• Clear plastic tube for siphoning the beer from bucket to carboy to bottle. NOT to be used as a straw to suck up your unfinished brew.
  
• A thermometer and a hydrometer. (Yep, you better check out a few episodes of Bill Nye. We’re gonna record some real scientific data!)
  
• An airlock/carboy cap. Ever make a volcano in 2nd grade science class? The initial fermentation process is sorta like that, so you gotta let out some of the gasses produced while keeping out oxygen—the scourge of the brewmaster.
  
• 1 bottle-capping device. This bad boy looks like an old-fashioned car jack.
  
• Bottle brushes and other cleaning implements.
  
• A shitload of flat (non-crimped) bottle caps.
  
• Charlie Papazian’s The New Complete Joy of Home Brewing. Indispensible.
  
• A beer ingredient kit. A bit more on that later.
  

I should mention that the above list represents the basics for a decent starter kit. This stuff can be purchased through catalogs, brewing specialty shops and countless websites (see the last page of this feature). Check them out and buy what’s on the list. DO NOT cut corners by going for the "Mr. Beer" or beer-in-a bag type kits that are sold in K-Mart-like places. These things are the Chia Pets of the beer world. Not only will your beer suck if you use one of these kits, but you will forfeit access to this website (don’t ask, we'll just know... it involves javascript, cookies and NASA technology).