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 You say you enjoy drinking a six-pack on the couch while watching movies, but all these good-looking, sober, Hollywood-types make you feel like a lush? Well, loosen your belt, dust off your VCR and throw back a shot of our top-shelf vicarious video. We're handing out awards where everyone but you loses... it's time for our Drunk Tank Oscars: The Top Ten Drinkinest Movies of All Time!
By Belly Buddy James Hollis Smith
 The Lost Weekend (1945)
Who's Soused: Ray "27 years to my head transplant" Milland
Cutting edge for its time, and masterfully directed by Billy Wilder, Weekend introduced the DT's to the malaise-encrusted world of the '50s, as Ray's character goes on a weekend bender. "I'm not a drinker, I'm a drunk," is how Ray describes himself. Composer Miklos Rozsa used a Theremin for the first time on film, (yes, even before Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein), and created the most eerie soundtrack to hallucinations ever filmed up to that time. "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. I can't take quiet desperation," Ray says. What better reason for that second martini?
Major Drunk Scene: They're in the chandelier! No, Ray, now they're behind you!!! A small, squeaking rodent crawls out of a crack in the wall. A screeching bat dives at Ray. It swoops down and kills the squealing mouse in front of his eyes. As the creature is devoured, thick blood stains drip down the wall of the room. That cutting-edge hallucination ensured that the film would sweep the Academy Awards.
Message: Um... some people shouldn't drink?
 The Quiet Man (1952)
Who's Soused: John Wayne, Victor McLaglen, Barry Fitzgerald
Expatriate Duke, Sean Thornton, comes home to Ireland after a lifetime in the States and finds that he's out of step with the customs of his natural-born country. Luckily there's one male-bonding ritual that's the same in any hemisphere. Not a drinking movie, you say? Guess again. Aside from featuring central casting's greatest Irish tippler, Barry Fitzgerald, almost every single plot point is punctuated with a drink. Not only are fights picked by McGlaglan in the pub, but the pub is the location for the friendly-yet-fiery end to Duke and Vick's big cross-country fight. Fitzgerald adds up lovely Maureen O'Hara's dowry while draining her only bottle of scotch, and Duke drains his first black beer to the strains of "Danny Boy."
Major Drunk Scene: Barry Fitzgerald shows up at Maureen O'Hara's cottage wearing his official matchmaker's garb--and one hell of a hangover--and inquires if Mo would be interested in marrying "Thorn Shornton?"
Message: Yes, the Irish drink. No, it's not all they do; but if a few ales make you brave enough to go after Maureen O'Hara, why the hell not?
 Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
Who's Soused: Nicolas Cage
Nick has a problem, his left leg is hollow, so he spends the length of the film trying to fill it with liquor. In the meantime, he manages to strike a bargain with hot-whitebread-hooker Elizabeth Shue, whereby Nick allows Liz to support, love and care for him in exchange for her never asking him to stop drinking. Hmmm... Anyone else want that deal? Liz seems to get the short end of the stick in many ways as poor Nick can't even get his cork-screw to work anymore. Every small moment of joy in the film is quickly shattered like a poolside, glass, hotel table. But it's smiles all around at the Coppola enclave as Nick stumbles, fights and self-destructs his way to an Oscar.
Major Drunk Scene: Nick gets a good hand at the blackjack table, then gets a bad hand at the blackjack table, then overturns the blackjack table. Can you believe they refused to serve him any more booze?
Message: All your dreams come true in Las Vegas.
 Dazed and Confused (1993)
Who's Soused: The entire graduating class of Texas' Lee High School, 1976
Neophyte Wiley Wiggans learns the rites-of-passage ropes from football jocks with hearts of gold, as he goes on a beer-soaked odyssey. His magical milestone moments include purchasing his first six pack, hanging and drinking at the cool hangout The Emporium, drinking his body weight in keg-pumped gold, and spending the early morning with a dreamy Gremlin-driving sophomore. It's hard not to envy Wiley as he goes from red-assed pipsqueak to shit-faced conqueror. Ironically all the film's future superstars, like Ben Affleck and Renee Zellweger, the people who will make the most money and live the most fulfilled lives, are cast in the lesser roles. It's high school all right.
Major Drunk Scene: The beer bust at the moon tower. Everyone from freshman to senior to wannabe super senior, Matthew McConaughey, are draining the kegs at this bicentennial blowout. Parker Posey does the best female belligerent drunk ever. "AIR RAID!"
Message: The clothes were uglier, the music was better, and the drinking age was 18... Um, yeah, the '70s rocked.
 Arthur (1982)
Who's Soused: Dudley Moore
Perhaps the friendliest movie drunk in history, Arthur has an answer for everyone. When Arthur's fiancée claims that a real woman could stop him from drinking, he replies, "She'd have to be a real big woman!" Dudley's follow-up to 10 was big box office, and with good reason. What drunk wouldn't love to have a classy, John-Gielgud type picking up after him? When you're caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is drink a fifth of scotch, and cackle like a madman. Oh, and fall in love.
Major Drunk Scene: Tough choice, but we'll have to go with Dud's breaking of his engagement at the church five minutes before his wedding. A tipsy groomsman, a woman in tears, a black eye, an overturned table of catered food: this scene has the drinking seal of approval.
Message: Everyone looks like a "10" when you're blitzed, even Liza Minelli.
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