Hosken Powell’s Amazin’ Fantasy Chili No. 7
by Featured Belly Buddy Mike Best
It’s no secret that Wyck Fowler perfected chili 35 years ago in Pecos, Texas. So why should you delude yourself into thinking you can improve it? Well, I say you can. But it takes balls and beer and if you’ve got both and the right ingredients, strap it on and start cookin’.
Ingredients:
2 lbs meat of your choice;
8 oz can tomato paste;
large can stewed tomatoes;
Three Bell Peppers (various colors);
One can of beans (I prefer White Beans, but use what you want);
Minced Garlic;
large Onion;
Shredded Cheese;
Twelve pack of Budweiser;
Tortillas;
One package Wyck Fowler’s Two Alarm Chili kit
First, get your empty chili pot flamed up. Toss in a couple tablespoons of olive oil. When the oil gets hot, sprinkle in the minced garlic. Take a good wiff, it’s good for you and wards off vampires. Now throw in your meat and sear.
When the meat resembles cooked road kill, mix in the tomato paste. This’ll get the whole thing really looking like hell. Stir that paste in good, though. You want to get the meat coated thoroughly. Now start sprinkling in the seasonings from the Chili Kit. Don’t think about the ingredients, don’t read the side panel. Just throw ‘em in. (NOTE: Use all of them except the one labeled "Masa Flour". You’ll need that later!) When you’ve got that whole mess good and hot, pour the can of stewed tomatoes on top and bring to a boil.
At this point, if you don’t have little red splatter spots on your stove and on your shirt front, your flame isn’t high enough…if you DO have spots, then open a beer. You’ve earned it. Now add two cans of water using the empty tomato paste can. Stir for a little while with the flame on high. Drink your beer and enjoy this bonding moment with your creation.
It’s usually at this point I add in different types of hot sauce. A shake here, a shake there. Maybe throw in a jalapeno or two. It’s up to you. How hot you want this chili? Now’s the time to grow some nuts, Ol’ Son. You want Chef Boyardee ketchup chili for sissies? Or do you want Toe Hair Scorching flame stew? I trust you’ll do the right thing.
Now slice the bell peppers up. Cut them from top to bottom in long skinny shreds. Add to the pot. While you’re at it, throw in the beans, too.
Cook covered for three hours on low heat. Every now and then---like when you go to the fridge for a beer---stir the chili with a good wooden spoon to make sure the bottom doesn’t scorch. It’s o.k. if it does. It’s all flavor, right? It just makes the pot easier to clean if you stir.
After two hours add the Masa Flour. This thickens it up a bit.
The most important moment comes after three hours and you’ve gone thru most of the beer. It’s a critical juncture. Take a taste and make sure the seasonings are the way you want. Adjust with hot sauce if needed.
Turn the flame up to high. When the mix starts to bubble, open a bottle of bud and pour the whole thing in (the chili not your face). If you’ve done everything right, you’ll get a chemical reaction similar to a witches’ science project. Stir. Remove from heat. Let stand for 30 minutes.
You should serve the chili in a shallow bowl. I like to sprinkle diced onions and shredded cheese on top. Dip in a tortilla. Enjoy. But first, you’re going to have to get more beer.
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